Deflated

I wasn’t going to write this post really, or mention anything, however, I came home and had a cry and therefor decided to share my experience. Today I had a smear, now as you all know, I have had a fair few smears so far, but this was the first one back in the UK, under the NHS since 2013. The full experience was so different compared to in Sweden. I was so nervous going to the GP for this smear, I know I am fine with them, but anything to do with doctors sends my nervs sky high, stupidly enough. Anyway, I got there and told the nurse I was really nervous and explained to her that the past few days I have felt like I am getting thrush again so I’m a bit sensitive. I try to tell her about my medical history, and she sort of seems to half listen. She checks my blood pressure and then asked me to lay on the bed thing, just a normal bed in the doctors surgery. I was then asked to put my heels together and separate my knees. So far so good, just an odd experience. She turns a little light on and in goes the metal speculum and she uses a little brush. Suddenly she says “Oh dear, you’re bleeding. It’s nothing to be worried about, it happens sometimes, but they may not be able to do the tests at the lab because of it. I will send it off anyway and we’ll see next week. You might have to come back.’ No more, that was all. I got dressed and I was ready to leave. She didn’t offer me a pad/pantyliner, she didn’t offer any help with regards to the thrush, and I had to hold the tears back. I felt vulnerable and exposed, it felt messily done. It just didn’t feel right. So now I just have to wait till next week, see what the results say, if they say anything at all, and keep using some cream for the thrush, see if it helps and if not I have to go back again. I miss going in Sweden. Yes it was a bit more uncomfortable, but it felt like they did a good job. I always saw a midwife/gynaecologist, was always sat in a comfortable chair with my legs up. They were always calm and lovely, told me everything they were doing, looked with a microscope as well as taking a cell sample (the uncomfortable bit) which then got sent off. After I was always given a pad just in case I bled. I always left feeling dignified, well looked after and respected. Not once did I leave holding the tears in with every ounce of energy in my body, only to break down in tears as soon as I got home. Is it always like this?! I feel so deflated. I don’t know what the results will be or how reliable they will be, but all I know is I would do anything to have it done in Sweden instead, so maybe next time I will go back to Sweden for it..if nothing else I will feel better and safer under the Swedish care system then the NHS GP….
Anyway, now I’m going to have a cup of tea, wipe my tears, try to forget about the day and reply to my birthday messages instead.. maybe even write a post about my birthday.