I have been so so nervous about today! I went to yoga this morning to try to get into the yoga spirit and breathing, and even turned up to the hospital 20 minutes early to try to just calm myself in the waiting room. As i was sat there minding my own business I hear someone shout out a number which sounded a lot like mine.
“Was that number 17?!” I shouted out without thinking.
“Yes it was” the nurse said smiling at me.
“Oh no it can’t be! Not yet! I’m early!” was my response as complete panic set in over me. Standing up I start laughing (as i do when I’m worried or scared or realised I’ve just shouted across the full waiting room), and as I look around I realise I’ve got everyone in the waiting room laughing. At least I made someones day. Instantly when I get to the nurse I go into apologetic mode of course, thinking I’ve hurt her feelings by shouting no, and whatever else I might have said as my memory decides to black out the situation.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to shout no..I just wasn’t prepared…I got here early to try to land because I’m just so nervous….but then you’ve called me early and well…yeah…”
“Don’t worry, I called you early since you arrived early. You can still land don’t worry, just do it in the room instead” she said to me smiling. She was really a lovely happy nurse, and I loved the fact that she was wearing bright pink clogs and knee high pink socks.
We get to the room and I am meant by this monster machine which made my belly sink…
“Don’t worry, everything will go just fine. We will use the small camera that usually goes down the throat, but I assure you this has never been anywhere else. If you want a gown there is one in the bathroom for you to get changed into, just don’t look at the size, they were the only ones we had, or you can keep your clothes on and I’ll cover you with a towel. You’ve got this far so we might as well do the rest right. Just breath and we will be with you soon.” And off she went, leaving me alone in this scary room by myself…debating whether to run or not…trying to not look at all the crazy tools around the room, worrying what it is they are going to do to me… I’m happy I had my dolphin with me, I always feel better with that in my hand.
The surgeon came in after a while, luckily it’s the same guy I spoke to before my first surgery and the one I spoke to last time I needed answers to my questions. He’s a lovely older man, calm and understanding and really listens to you. I told him all I could think of that needed telling, how I’m a bite sensitive or sore, the potential swelling of the perineum, and the crazy itch that is driving me mad. I also told him again and again how nervous I was, and scared and how I had had a bad experience with a colonoscopy once before and it’s haunting me. Hal way through our talk there was a knock on the door “Sorry it’s only me, I just wanted to quickly say hi to Charlotte and that I’m thinking of you, everything will go well! See you on Friday!” My lovely stoma nurse, knew I was coming in for this examination and popped her head in to wish me luck! Seeing her on Friday which is nice!
“I’m feeling nervous too” he told me “I think your nervs have rubbed off on me, I feel so for you but it will be fine. WE might as well have a look since we have got this far right.”
Yup, so up on the table I jumped..well maybe not jumped but climbed. He opened upp my shirt to look at the scars on my belly and have a feel and realised how sweaty I was “Oh sweetheart, you really are nervous aren’t you, your stomach is completely drenched”. Yeah I did mean it when I said it.
Between the surgeon, the nurse and myself we decided to open a surgery and work with animals instead. They were both animal people so we got talking about cats and pets, which was really nice because it took my mind off things. Then it was time to roll over onto my left side, where I quickly said how grateful I was that I had been to a yoga class earlier which got me into breathing better. Well that just sent the nurse onto another conversation. She kept encouraging me to remember to breath deep breaths and talk about where I went to yoga, and how she had decided it was her type of exercise too, and then carried on trying to get the surgeon to try yoga. What a great team they were, they really helped me stay calm, smile and think of other things.
It’s amazing how fast the anus can tighten when it isn’t used, and it’s only been 10 months. Anyway, the camera went in and I managed it just with some help of some numbing cream…I think, but I have a slight feeling he forgot about that. A bit uncomfortable, but the worst part was the actual entering, and the air. Oh god, it was a while since there was any air in there, and it felt super strange! “Well that’s that bit done” the nurse said happily, to which I replied “surely there isn’t more?!” and we had a good giggle. Imagine if that was just a warm up, I would not have been impressed haha!
So I survived the sigmoidoscopy, and felt like I could fall asleep when I sat down in the chair again in my own clothes. I got the news that my rectum looks ok, but its difficult to say how things would go. “Honestly, it looks fine, but there is inflammation there, and at this point I would not recommend an IRA.” That was the verdict. Then he carried on with “However, I would like you to take colofoam for 2 weeks and the suppositories every day for 3 months, to see if we can make the inflammation milder, and then we will have another look in 3 months time to see how it looks them. Then we can talk about IRA or J-pouch and when a J-pouch should be made in that case.”
So yeah, I was sort of expecting that my rectum wouldn’t be well enough to connect with again, however it always feel strange getting news like that. Either way, I wasn’t and still am not sure if I even want to reconnect…only time will tell.
Now to enjoy some home made watermelon and ginger slush! Treating myself tonight after that examination and for surviving it! Well not just surviving that one, but also surviving the doctor on Friday who told me all my blood results were good, and if anything my B levels were high (which upset me a bit as I am sooooo tired, but at the same time made me feel very relieved as it means all is working). I also survived the dentist yesterday, which (I have always been scared about going to the dentist) I was very worried about it yesterday due to the year I have had with stress, lack of eating, eating wrong things, and slight lack of 100% care. However nothing had changed, not much tartar, and the nurse even said my gums were better than last time. So I guess I have Stevie to thank for that too!
Definitely time to treat myself, big pat on the shoulder and a massive hug! I am so proud of myself right now!
Love to you all!
P.S. I have a video of my happy dance to Walk the Moon – Shut up and dance but for some reason the sound disappeared, That can be found on my instagram though! 🙂